Finding a strong wifi signal in the caribbean is the holy grail for guest entertainers, indeed for all crew member on a ship who have spent any length of time away from home. So not only to find this, but for the lovely lady in the hotel in Cozumel to allow me to use it for FREE??? It was like christmas come early. After a good chat with Steve I connected via Skype to my parents back in Accrington to catch up on the latest news from home. But something just wasn’t sitting right with me

“Mum, I feel a bit weird” I said “I can’t remember what time the ship is leaving. Its 3.10pm now and I’m not sure if it leaves at 3.45 or 4.45.”

“Don’t take any risks” she said “You can’t afford to miss the ship”

This is the on going and reoccurring nightmare of all frequent cruisers. They drum it into you quiet fervently that under no circumstances will a ship ever wait for you if you’re late back. I frequently have dreams where I’m stood gesturing wildly on a quayside somewhere protesting “You left early… wait for me” and a captain shouting back at me “No… you’re late… so loonnngg” I’ve woken up innumerable times with that panicked sensation so todays niggle started to fester at the back of my mind.

“I’m pretty sure its 4.45pm mum… but I just don’t know” I said disappointedly as I relish my family time, albeit online of late.

“Seriously Jayne… go” she insisted. So I packed up and made my way towards the ship… a mere 5 minute walk at best. As I headed out into the warm rain, I checked my watch again and thought to myself that even if the ship did leave at 3.45pm I had time to nip into the grocery store over the road and buy some water and supplies before heading back, so post-haste I darted between the endless stream of taxi’s taking care to avoid their splashes as I negotiated the muddy puddles in the uneven road.
I approached my shopping expedition like a stealth ninja.. determined to gather my wares and make it to the check out before the giggly group of spanish speaking teenage girls, their arms laden down with drinks and treats. As the checkout assistant processed my items I smugly furrowed around in my bag for my wallet as I internally patted myself on the back for making the shopping quick so hastily on my way back then the real panic hit me.
“my wallet… its gone… where is it?” I emptied the contents of my copious tote on to the floor of the shop and ferreted around most erratically as the realisation hit me that not only did my wallet contain $200+ dollars and my credit cards but also my sea pass card for re-entry to the ship.
Immediately I ran through all the possible scenarios in my head: Its been stolen in the restaurant at lunch, I’ve left it in my friend Davids car, a Cozumel local who had so kindly taken me out to lunch that day, or have I dropped it?… and I pictured the ship… leaving without me as captain Tasos shouted
“No…you’re late.. soo looonnngg”

I jumped to my feet in mad panic just as one of the giggly teenagers was leaning over me to put her purchases on the counter and I head butted her sandwich clean into the air
“Muchos sorry” I offered as her friends laughed and she gazed at me bemused as if to say “who is this crazy wet lady launching my lunch?”

I then realised that I may well have left my purse on the sofa in hotel. I remember taking it out to make an online purchase just before calling my Mum.
I scurried across the floor gathering my scattered belongings before darting out of the shop shouting “Muchos sorry… I’ve lost my purse I’ll be back”
and like Yussain Bolt in wedges I bounded across the road, ignorant of the puddles, unaware of the on-coming traffic and waving my protruding umbrella around like a knight on horse back. As I stumbled for the second time a shop keeper shouted “Woah take it easy amiga” and I found my self “Muchos sorry” for the third time in as many minutes.
To find my purse, perched on the sofa where I had left it was a relief to say the least and I dragged my now mud splashed legs back to the grocery store to complete my transaction. The giggly girls were still at the till, faces full of goodies as I bounded in through the door panting like an out of breath collie.

“I lost my purse” I offered. No reaction

“I had to go back to the hotel to get it”

They looked at each other bemused, shrugging their shoulders. So the actress in me decided that I should use my university degree to portray through the medium of mime the calamity that had just befallen me to my spanish speaking audience.
Wildly I gestured, first, palms on cheeks I struck a panicked face.. before running on the spot.. pointing out of the window and then drawing my wallet from my now soggy bag… making a “phew” noise and wiping my genuinely now sweaty brow. They laughed… then they clapped.. so I took a little bow. Feeling more than proud of myself at this stage, shopping, purse rescuing AND doing my best Marcel Marceau for the Mexican masses, I paid my bill, picked up my groceries and fell out of the shop door.
The giggly teenagers, now laughing at me not with me looked at me with those kind of pitying looks that manage to encompass both “Oh my goodness she is SO not cool” with “please don’t tell me I’l ever end up like her” whilst simultaneously laughing amongst themselves and eating a sandwich with my head print in it.
I limped off attempting to restore my pride, only to be greeted by my cabin steward who was entering the port as I was leaving

“Rolando… where are you going?” I asked.. “Aren’t you going to miss the ship?”

“No miss Jayne” he offered “We don’t sail till 5”
As I write this I am currently back stage, preparing for my 36th show of this contract. This time next week I will be on a plane somewhere over the atlantic with any luck, quite possibly too excited to sleep. Whilst I have had an epic time over here, and epic really is the best possible word to describe it, at some point you do start to crave a little normality, less calamity and your creature comforts. Most importantly though I’m looking forward to seeing those I love the most. And even after 6 years of marriage and 10 years together, I still do my very best ‘Clark Kent’ impersonation on the aeroplane home. I get onboard looking like a hobo and squeeze my backside into that bathroom cubicle on the flight, borderline dislocating myself to change out of my sweat pants and hoodie and put a full face of make up on and a clean outfit to greet my husband at the airport in Manchester. I wish I could say the same for him… If I’m away, he doesn’t bother to shave so Shaggy from Scooby Doo will be picking me up next friday!

Tomorrow is Key West, the southern most point of Florida. I was here a few weeks ago when Steve was travelling with me. I shall doubtless be heading to the ‘Conch Republic’ seafood restaurant on the harbour for a bowl of their spectacular ‘Conch Chowder’ before this time most definitely sampling a slice of Key Lime Pie that I missed out on during the previous trip. Saturday is ‘Turnaround day’ which is basically the offloading of this weeks passengers and the arrival of the next. But as I am staying for the next cruise also it means only one thing to me… SHOPPING!!!

75 days
35 shows
26 beds
20 ports
14 flights
13 cruises
9 shopping malls
6 car rentals
2 new suitcases

One Epic Adventure… to be continued.